


The Wretched Albatross

by Koiame



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Blood and Gore, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mystery, Original Character Death(s), POV Duo Maxwell, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Some Humor, The Author Regrets Nothing, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 18:49:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1868478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koiame/pseuds/Koiame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Preventer mission goes wrong and Agent Maxwell wakes up in a dank cell of a secret prison only rumored to exist.  Not to worry though.  Duo's confident the others will find and bust him out before dinner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Hell, there’s a ton a shit you can’t prepare yourself to face; never even crosses your mind until it’s about to happen to you. Yeah, I’ve had my share during the war, but it’d been worth it. It made sense - thinking that, even though I’m probably gonna die, at least I wouldn’t be sitting around L2 with my thumbs up my ass waiting for it to happen anyways. Got me through a lot of tight spots, too; having something to focus on. But the war was over now and I’d signed up with the Preventers to pass the time and pick up a healthy paycheck padded with hazard pay up the wazoo. You could say things had been going pretty well until I found myself waking up in a stale jail cell somewhere in No-fucking-clue-istan._

 

The pain tells me I’m an idiot, but alive at least. My mouth tastes like vomit and the pasty light gets on my nerves. A bare cell comes into focus the more I stare. Looks like I’m not the only unhappy camper here. Over in the corner is a shaky little man with nothing on except a pair of filthy tan pants, muttering to himself and staring at me.

“So, what’re you in for?” I pick myself off the cement and give him the best smile I can manage. Just ‘cause I’m used to this stuff doesn’t mean my new companion is. The little guy just needs to relax. “I’d tell ya how I ended up here, but that part’s a bit fuzzy at the moment.”

The man huddles between a crappy sink and toilet like a small trash can, still mumbling. Well, alright. Who hasn’t spent time that way? Found myself there more times that I can count. I shake my head and regret it as the world spins. 

“Been here a while, huh?” I brace myself and go on, hoping to soften the guy up so he’ll answer a few questions. “Yeah, I know how it is. New guy gets the silent treatment. Well, that’s fine by me! But you’ll warm up eventually.” I stretch out on the only bed and sigh. “Between you and me, I’m breaking out of here anyways.” 

Mister Crazy Pants goes all wide eyed and quiet. He thinks I’m some dipshit who’s in over his head and doesn’t know it. Gotten that look so many times in the past, but hey, that’s saying something isn’t it? He laughs this insane, grinding laugh. Unnerving? Yeah, I’ll say. 

“Now you’re getting it.” I grin, sizing my bat-shit companion up. He ain’t pretty; scars, bruises, and some fresh wounds. Looks like torture. Besides the wear and tear, he’s got dark brown hair cut by panels of grey, blackened eyes, and a missing ring finger on his left. “Yeah, pretty soon the four craziest bastards I know are gonna bust me out and since I’m feeling pretty generous today, you can come with.” 

“Four men…” he chuckles, “break into Pyotr Yanovich’s prison?”

“Yanovich?!” I sit up and gape at him. “You’re telling me this is…”

He nods slowly, a bit of mirth in those dull orbs. My cell mate’s got me there. “Pyotr Yanovich, huh? So he’s real… And here I thought his ‘secret prison’ was just something to scare greenies with. Guess I get to bust her up from the inside. Wu-man’s gonna-”

“Shhh!” He stops my rambling. Noises come from the hall; cart wheels clack over uneven seams in the poured concrete slabs. “Don’t need a reason…” He rocks back and forth. It’s a fabulous time for the guys to bust me outta here. Seriously, any second now... Sunshine over here’s making me all nerves.

During the half hour that passed filled with an inmate’s screams from another cell, I got a good look around the room to see what I had to work with. Slim pickings; my mind turns as I stare down at a pebble and screw. C’mon Duo, what would Heero do?

“Nope… got nothin'.” I whisper, defeated.

The screaming ends. All my experience and instincts tell me that the poor sap’s dead. It’s just that type of quiet. Two minutes pass and there’s the sound of a body being dragged away. When the wheels begin to move again, I hope they’ll glide on by, but know better. They stop outside our door and, with my tiny weapons in hand, I’m ready as I’ll ever be.

Funny story. I once saw Heero kill a guy with a marble. That’s my partner for ya. Wish he was here to give me a few pointers. The handle turns and our guests enter; three guards and one lab coat trailing behind. Maybe it’s the Russian they start chatting in, but Toto I don’t think we’re in Cambodia anymore.

I don’t know Russian. Hell, I’m only guessing it’s that language anyways, but their yapping and sideways looks put me on edge big time. I crack my knuckles, tilt my head, and grin. “So, you’re the welcoming committee, huh? Well, I’m not really the type of guy who appreciates doors that lock from the outside so I’ll be going now.”

“You will stay and be useful.” The doctor pulls on a fresh pair of latex gloves very matter-o-factly. Asshole.

“Not today, pal.” The left guard meets my fist. Using his block as a spring board, I give the middle guy a solid kick to the face. The mouth breather’s eyes roll back into his phonebook skull before he wilts to the floor. One down and only three to go - or not…

I’m seizing on the ground. I don’t know why or how. There’s a bright light, cold floor, and growing puddle of my own fluids beneath me. Fuck.

“No doubt, you’re curious. How you are twice defeated? This is oscillating sensory battery.” The blond doc is hovering over me. “It causes seizure of visual processing center in brain.”

That accent… I hiccup a laugh. It sounds more like a sigh. So that’s what happened. I remember going after the smugglers. I’d just broken through the inner cargo bay door of an enemy carrier. Can’t remember anything after that.

“Tell me your name.”

“Fuck you.” I mumble.

A leather boot kicks me in the ribs. I can’t move, but I feel it alright. I curse at myself to get up, but nothing works. That’s one dangerous weapon they’ve got there. I hope the guys haven’t… woah, those guys are fine. They have to be. I’m the one who’s in trouble here.

They go on talking about me in Not-English. I can’t understand a word. Show offs. Why didn’t I pay more attention at those fancy schools? Could have picked up something useful. Bet Heero knows. Maybe it’s thinking about him that gives me the strength, but I manage to push up onto my hands and knees. There’s definitely a puddle under me. Not blood. Damn it. I’m too pissed to be embarrassed. I’m… pissed, damn it. This beautiful moment even comes with its own shitty pun. Nope, not going there. Focus!

One of the guards is out cold next to me still. Fun fact, if you kick in a guy’s nose just right, it’ll jam up into his brains and kill him. Don’t think I pulled that little stunt off, but he’ll hate life for a while. The other two grab me and start tearing at my clothes.

“What the hell?!” I growl as my twitchy arms swing wide. “Hands off the merch!”

My words don’t mean a damn thing. They just keep on stripping me ‘til I’m butt naked. On the upside, at least I’m not wearing pissy clothes anymore. Life’s about accentuating the positive, as Quat’d say.

“Sorry, but I don’t do pinups.”

The blond quack stalks toward me. His gloved fingers methodically run through my hair first before he carefully checks the rest of me. Of course I resist. I resist like a fucking champ, but to be fair I’m not exactly at my best right now; head feels like it’s gonna explode and I’m naked. My attempts are met with a needle jab into my shoulder. I watch its clear liquid push inside of me. Great! Just fucking great, Duo… now we’re drugged, too. 

“What’d you give me?”

“What is your name, preventer?” The doctor demands as he readies another needle.

“Asked you first.” My head is getting heavy.

“Where did Preventer get information?”

“Santa Claus. Says you’ve been bad. Sent me to kick your ass.”

“You’re a funny man.” He waives a hand.

Guard A’s fist says a forceful hello to one of my innocent little kidneys. I clench my teeth. The doc sticks me again to draw blood. At least when Sally does it, I get a lollipop out of the deal. My chin rests against my chest. I can’t even wiggle my fingers now. Fantastic…

“I will tell you. Mr. Yanovich is good man; provides well for my research. It gives me much pleasure to help him.” Doc gestures to the meatheads. They drag my limp ass to the bed and sit me up against the wall. I must look like some angry doll.

“What’re ya…” I slur my words as he searches his little white cart.

“I can tell you are a man who knows pain.” The blond retrieves a box with something moving around inside it. “My research is to torture. How to break men? It is… fine and beautiful thing.” He opens the box carefully and removes a small grey mouse.

I do my best to smirk. I’ve eaten rodents bigger than that for breakfast. It can nibble on me all it wants; I’ve had worse on L2. The doc approaches me with the squirming thing and tilts my head up to look at him. He comes up real close to whisper. My skin crawls.

“This is not for you. No. Break a preventer; give him something he cannot prevent.” My heart races as I remember my cellmate balled up in the other side of the room. Blonde turns from me and moves with the guards to grab my little buddy. He shrieks. They pin him to the ground as he claws at their arms, but it’s useless.

The doctor’s giving orders to pry his mouth open. Little guy’s screaming a throaty scream and I can’t look away. I’m shouting weak curses not to do it. I barely make a sound. They drop the mouse in and press his jaw shut. The panicked thing claws and chews inside. My mind supplies the taste of blood and filth. 

It's decided. Shinigami's gonna pay 'em back with interest for this.

The strangled noises coming from the little guy turn into shrill screams. I watch him writhe and then it hits me. The mouse's crawling its way down his throat. It’s tearing him up inside; it's claws ripping soft tissue and gnawing. I close my eyes, not wanting to see one more senseless, violent death added to my nightmare reel.

"Fuckin'... sickos..." Only a bare whisper mumbles past my lips.

My cell buddy's crying and shivering. Shock's setting in. I open my eyes, even though I know better, but fuck... the man's dying. Least I can see him off. The blood's pooling up in his mouth and throat. Inside, the stupid little rodent's not giving up. Fuckers do live for a while without air. Been around enough sewers and you'd know. I spend a lifetime watching, wishing he’d just die already. It's the kindest thing I can do for him at the moment. Lab coat smiles at me.

“Mice are helping creatures. Live without oxygen for some time.” He scribbles something on a chart. “Makes better for study. Interesting variation.”

My cellmate stops moving. These are his last moments and I've got 'em memorized like a snapshot in my brain for all time. I sigh. Part of me doesn't care. He isn’t important. That’s what it’s like to be expendable and nameless. That’s what we all were. Man, sometimes I really hate my job!

“I don’t expect to talk now.” The doctor pulls off his gloves - the rubbery snapping sounds give my insides the jitters. “There is time. You tell me later.”

Like hell! They leave his body for me to look at a while after they leave. There aren’t any prayers, not that I believe in anyway, to put a band-aid over some guy suffering a gruesome case of death by rodent 'cause of me. Shinigami, what'll I do if the guys don't bust me out? I breathe in the fetid scent of death once again. Heero, Quat, Tro, Fei… where the hell are you?


	2. Chapter 2

“A’right, you gotta point. Place sucks.” I mumble an apology to the dead guy as the feeling returns to my face. “Wish you'd told me your name before you went tits up an’ all, though. Makes it awkward; avenging someone without one.” 

A small sigh rattles inside my tingling chest. Yuy’d probably shrug off this heavy duty muscle relaxer like it’s nothing with his crazy fucking metabolism or whatever… I mean, what the hell? We all had a crazy doctor of our own to inject us with shit and put us through training, so how come _he_ got so lucky? Oh well... Unfortunately this mere mortal's stuck waiting it out. Just wish I wasn’t naked. I blow a few pesky strands of hair out of my eyes. It's cold and my interesting bits are understandably somewhat less interesting at the moment. I groan picturing an embarrassing rescue followed up by the inevitable cubicle snickering at the office. Une'll have my ass if I scare another desk jockey away.

Heero’s sure taking his sweet time. Finding a legendary secret prison should be a piece of cake. Maybe I shouldn’t of ate the last of his fiber cereal. There's a real panic in that thought. He wouldn't... leave me here to die over cereal, right? We've gotten past that stage in our... friendship? Or maybe I'm going to rot in here. I grimace. Nah… Don’t think he knows it was me, I conclude, the stuff tastes alright with lots of maple syrup and chocolate cocoa powder but I never told anyone that. Nope. His cereal is way too healthy for me to be a suspect. Knowing Heero, he’s probably got better things to do like flying off to save Relena, or the world, or damn it anyone else but me! Maybe Heero’s getting rusty in his old age... I snort. We gotta be the oldest bunch of eighteen-year-olds in history. Specially Wufei, with his teas and old lady reading glasses. 

Goddamn... fuck! I keep ending up staring into my roomie’s dead eyes, same color as Tro’s. Gotta keep calm. No way we'd all go down so easy as me. I’m the only one stupid enough to get caught like a deer wearing headlights. Gets me though, thinking. Plenty of time to just sit ‘round and think… and think and motherfucking hell this _blows_! No point thinking up that new cooling system for Neil’s R &D baby without the shuttle specs. Gonna have paperwork out the ass when I get back. I sigh and decide to focus on the present. Escape plan 2.0, coming up!

Another hour goes by and I start to notice the pain from the fun 'meet and greet' earlier. At least the shiny metal spots aren't floating past my eyes anymore; damn little UFOs. I'd pinched something in my neck, or maybe it was the device that'd done it. Whatever!

I wiggle my fingers and can't help the small, triumphant smirk on my face. "Well, alright! We have movement!"

I try to ignore the knowledge that I'm talking to a dead guy. It's not exactly something I'd like to come out in debriefing. Can you say psych eval. and forced leave of absence?

They’d left the body to shake me up; nothing like a little demonstration to get the gums flapping. It was a dirty tactic; right outta OZ’s playbook! Now _those_ bastards, they really knew how to build a cell. Too bad for these amateurs the god of death’s seen worse. Done worse. 

I smirk. Imagining creative endings for rat faced doctor blonde helps take a bit of the tension outta my chest. Lookin’ around’s giving me a few ideas; old springs in the mattress, single round light in the ceiling, the old metal door, possibly working sink, one pebble, and one screw. Still, I wouldn’t complain if Heero’d bail me out again. Guess I’m just one more person that’s come to rely on the guy. No wonder’s he’s got some sort of masochistic hero complex.

When the knob turns, I half expect it to be the knight in shining gundanium himself, on cue to set me loose on this place. He’d throw me an emergency blanket to tie ‘round like Tarzan before busting up the place together. Instead of my happy fantasy filled with much needed ass kicking and vengeance, in walk the doc and his two stooges. The third guard’s out sick for a little while, huh? I can’t help the satisfaction that lit across my face. 

“Hate to complain, but ya mind coming back later? Place’s a mess an’ I don’t feel like entertaining at the moment.”

“Maxwell, Duo.” Doc opens a blue folder and reads. “Former pilot of Gundam Deathscythe Hell, specialized for stealth; an orphan of L2 colony; will run and hide but not lie…”

A long string of curses rattles off inside my head at the sight of my Preventer file; same color, same coffee stain on the bottom left corner, same everything! “So you’ve got my file. Big deal. Borrowed it the first week myself and made a few changes.”

The Russian doc holds up the first page and looks at the large rectangle cutouts that make it look like Swiss cheese, except boxy. “I see. You are much more interesting than before. I know now.” He shuts the folder and orders the others around in Russian. “Let us waste not our time together.”

+------------------------------------------------+

First thing I notice is his voice. He wants me to let go of something. Heero? I blink until I can see where I'm standing. Nothin' feels right. His eyes got this look to ‘em like taming a lion or talking a man down off the roof. And where the fuck are we? Walls are the beige striped wallpaper Une put up in her office day one; location Preventer HQ.

“Duo.” Mr. Cobalt Blues growls low and takes a cautious step towards me, unarmed.

“Yeah, Heero?”

“Put your hands up, slowly.”

“'kay…” I agree, confused as all hell. Best cooperate until I know what's what. My right hand opens and lets something heavy drop at my feet. When I look, all I see is blood and a body. “He-Heero… what…” I stare at my stained hands and then the mangled corpse and then my bare hands again. It’s wet, dry, and flaking all over my skin; hands, my arms are covered, and even the red scrubs I’ve got on are saturated with it. Feels like sticky, rough canvas against my skin. I’m trembling. 

“Status, 02.”

I... don’t know. How'd I get here. Did I kill someone? That's a head... and body. The pieces don’t fit. I can’t find the words. Behind me, the cocking of a gun makes my heart thump. A static noise is in my ears and I know I’m done for. Blood pressure dropping. Cold. Sweaty. I should look into retirement plans more seriously.

“FUBAR.” I quirk a tiny smile for Heero and pass out.


	3. Chapter 3

Noise… Heart… beats. Alive?

“…ent Ma…”

What? Who? I feel like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. The beeping; that’s me. I play around with it a bit, making it speed up and slow down. I may have just giggled.

“Duo?”

Smells like flowers. Probably Quat… always sends flowers when I’m in the… hospital… My eyes snap open. Despite the light and blurriness, the powder blue privacy curtain, IV drip, and other typical medical crap are easy enough to make out. Well, shit. I wonder what put me here this time.

“Maxwell?” A familiar Chinese agent’s face is suddenly looking down at me.

“Sh’ Wu‘ei!” My heart monitor echoes my surprise. His evaluating gaze lets up a bit. After searching my face for god knows what, he seems satisfied, nodding to himself, and then backs away.

“He is awake now.” Wufei addresses someone standing beyond my toes.

“Duo?” Sally’s voice chimes. Sounds kinda like a… sultry bell… or one of those triangle shaped things that ‘ting’ but more like running your hand over a fabric… “Duo? Can you hear me?”

I blink up at her. When she get so close? In my fog, I mutter, “Mus’ be ‘rugs.”

“Rugs?” I ignore Wuffer’s raised eyebrow. 

“Lif’ me up.” 

Sally checks my eyes with her pen light. I try to swat her hands away only to feel a familiar tugging that keeps them at my sides. My eyes track their way down my right and then left arms, finding bandages and padded restraints. I growl and test their slack; they’re snug as a bug and strong, too.

“How are you feeling?” The blond... doctor’s... asking.

My heart starts racing. I stare up at her, frozen. Oh, no… no, no, no, no, no, no… I thrash, trying to get away. There’s something wrong. There’s something very, very wrong. Wufei grabs me and I look at him; startle and concern in his eyes. I hear myself begging him not to let the doctor touch me. Clinging to him as best I can with my left hand, throwing my bandaged body towards him, my pride is nowhere to be found.

“Maxwell?!” He pins my shoulders down to the hospital bed. “Status?”

“Ge’ me ou’a here, Fei!” I don’t know why. Can’t explain it. I gotta to get gone. 

Hurried footsteps, the privacy curtain pulls away, and I dart a look back at the doctor. There’s fear in her eyes mixed with pain and other stuff I can’t begin to process like this. I turn to my right and heave. Must not have had much in my stomach ‘cause all that clears my throat is bile. I choke and wretch until I feel all the blood in my face is gonna make my face pop.

“What’s happening?”

“Report, Wufei.”

“I am uncertain. Maxwell regained consciousness. He seemed to be disoriented, but calm. During Sally’s examination, he… became hysterical.”

“Duo?” A gentle hand presses down on my lower left leg. Once the heaving stops, I roll onto my back. There’s Quatre in his three piece suit, staring at me with an ocean of concern that’s threatening to swallow me. Next to him is Heero, assessing the situation. I jerk my leg from my friend’s grasp and shut my eyes tight. Taking deep, calming breaths, reason starts to return to me along with the darkness.

“D-Don’t…” My voice is pathetic. Not me. Quite frankly, it pisses me off. I press my numb tongue against the back of my teeth, willing it to cooperate. The stomach acid has my throat all scratchy, but there’s not much I can do about that right now. “Jus’ give me a minute.”

The room goes quiet. Wufei releases me and I do my best to relax, the pain I’ve been disregarding making that a little tricky. I let out a big sigh. Keeping my eyes closed, I try and sort out what’s bothering me. Okay, so that’s Sally in the corner. Why do I not like Sally? Can’t remember anything. No, I remember a mission. Weapons smugglers? What does that have to-

“Oh.” I shake my head - sifting through a memory.

Heero’s deep voice cuts in, “What?”

“Remember… some blon’ d-doc… maybe former Russia?” It hits me with a groan. “Shi’, I was cap’ured again, wasn’ I?!”

“Hn.”

I crack my eyes open to look at Heero. “Fee like a burn’ out Leo.” 

Wufei snorts. “Look like one, too.”

Cold panic sweeps through me. I turn my head side to side, up and down. My heart monitor starts to complain again.

“What’s wrong, Duo?” asks Quatre.

“Yuy,” I turn back to Heero, communicating all the seriousness and urgency I got in me with one look, “braid status?”

Not missing a beat, he replies "Undamaged" and I swear I could kiss him! Wufei rolls his eyes and Quatre surrenders to a faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. My own face lights up, even though fatigue is pulling at me.

Brief snippets of unfamiliar faces and objects flicker through my mind; men's leering faces, bloody metal, and water. I will them away and pick up the withered grin on my face. No sense going into a battle you don’t have to running on empty.

“Well, now if you won’ min’, I’m gonna sleep ‘til ‘rugs wear off, alright?” My bones ache. 

“Hn.” 

Wufei spares Yuy a long suffering look. “We will debrief you when you wake.”

The trio takes up seats beside my hospital bed. It’s kinda… er, touching. On the other hand, having three guys watching me sleep is… strange. I blink at them, hoping they’ll take the hint… Nope. Direct approach it is.

“Maybe Duo would feel more comfortable if we didn’t watch him sleep.” Thank god for Quatre. I flinch in spite of his understanding smile, and hopefully manage to convey my gratitude. Here and now, I vow to get him a Christmas present this year to put all past ones to shame.

“Fine.” Wufei concedes, standing up to follow the heir de house Winner out.

“I’ll stay.” Heero doesn’t budge. “One of us should be on guard at all times.”

“Wha’ever. Go ahea’ an’ wa’ch me sleep.” I shrug, yawn, and then shut my eyes. “Bu’ jus’ so you know… I snore.”

The blue-eyed badass sitting next to me gives an amused grunt that says ‘yeah, we noticed’ and I can’t help the flutter of victory that steals through my chest. Getting Heero to lighten up has always been one of my personal missions. It’s nice to know I’m making progress towards one of my goals.

Sometime during my musing, Fei and Quat left. Sally snuck away at some point, too. I’m usually more observant than this. I shift, trying to get more comfortable. The restraints are not helping. “Hey, Heero?”

“Hn?”

“Ya min’ 'aking 'hese offa me?” I sic a drowsy, puppy dog look on him.

He stares me down.

I sigh. Like getting water from a stone…

“A’righ…” I drop it for now, eyelids drooping. “Guess I can… pick ‘em in my sleep…”


	4. Chapter 4

“He could not have used a tightrope to walk on water, especially during a thunderstorm.” Trowa raises a skeptical eyebrow at me. Somehow since I woke up ten minutes ago, we’ve talked about Preventer health insurance coverage, old-time pirates, and now the many miracles of Jesus Christ. 

“But-”

“Even if Heero traveled back in time and took a picture...”

“Got it, Tro. It was just a dream.” I blow the bangs away from my face. “But there’s got to be lots of ways to pull that off.”

“What, the time travel or impossible tightrope walks?” He chuckles. I can’t help but think Quatre’s been good for him. Trowa used to be as bad as Yuy; serious as a heart attack and antisocial. It’s nice to know that some of us are adjusting well to this whole peace thing.

“Both.” My wrists twist uncomfortably in the restraints. “So, ‘bout these cuffs…”

“Duo,” he sighs from a plastic chair beside my bed, “you still haven’t answered my questions.”

“And _you_ haven’t answered mine.” No denials there. Hmph. My mouth twists into an impish grin. “Guess I could be persuaded to talk first if you’ll get these things off of me - ya know - unless you _like_ keeping me all tied up. In that case, you can help me with an itch I need scratched.”

“Excuse me?”

“My back, Tro.” I wriggle in bed, trying to soothe the persistent sensation of wounds attempting to heal. “It’s driving me nuts!”

“The answer is no on both accounts.” My green-eyed friend shakes his head, but can’t stop the upturn corners of his lips. “You can ask Heero and Wufei when they arrive.”

Damn. 

“So we’re stuck waiting on orders from pimp master Yuy and bottom bitch Chang. Glad to see things haven’t changed much while I was gone.” 

He raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. It’s a sore subject; one that I’ve ranted about to Trowa a metric shit ton since Une stuck us five together. Kind a wonder what the criteria were for ranking us. And of course Wu gets the second seat. Quat’s only part time, but he’s still third in command. Then there’s Tro. Whatever! That’s the joy of teamwork for you.

Our conversation fizzles out, leaving me to brood over my lot. I know it’s not the guys’ fault Une trusts me least to make decisions. Then again, maybe she’s right. Who was the idiot that got himself captured again? But hey, I didn’t blow up a shuttle full of pacifists, sign up with the enemy, or blow up a colony. Just sayin’.

“You have always been the strongest member of our team.” My head snaps up when Trowa speaks. “No one thinks any less of you.”

What the hell’s _that_ supposed to mean?! 

Before I can wonder what’s gotten into Tro, the company we’ve been waiting on shows up. A shiver of fear flutters inside my chest when I look at Heero and Wufei, but fuck if I know why. There’s just something wrong, I can feel it, and whatever it is must have happened in the past three days or so since I left. Or maybe that’s it. Maybe the problem’s me.

“Maxwell.” Wufei nods alongside Heero. They don’t sit.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” I grin, although it doesn’t reach my eyes.

“We need your report,” so sayeth his team leader-ship.

“Sure thing, Heero. I’d be happy to write you one just as soon as these cuffs come off.”

“A verbal report will suffice.”

“How am I not surprised?”

“Duo…”

“Fine!” He just wears you down with that glare. Damn it, Yuy. “I’ll tell you everything I remember as long as you promise to take these things off right after.”

After a moment of consideration, Heero nods and takes a seat, Wufei in toe.

“I’ll just start at the beginning.” Closing my eyes, I begrudgingly recall the mission. “After we arrived in Cambodia, the op started to track down an informant named Veata about weapons smuggling. Through a mutual contact, we arranged to meet her at a church two hours drive away. She told us about the shipment leaving that night in exchange for a thousand credits and full immunity. We took her back with us to base and planned our next moves.”

“The airstrip the smugglers were using didn’t even have a name. Just a dirt strip next to an abandoned research hospital.” I pause, remembering how that place felt. “It was pretty fuckin’ creepy. Heh. Anyways, we hid in the tree line with Benny’s full squad after our recon turned up nothin’. We waited. An hour after sundown, it started to rain. Five hours later, six large flatbed trucks showed up from an access road to the northeast. They were flanked by eight jeeps full of heavily armed goons. Seemed like overkill for a normal shipment.”

“Ten minutes later, radar detected three carriers approaching. The first one landed and waited until all its crates were offloaded before it took off again. A second touched down a few minutes after that. We put a tail on the first two trucks after they were loaded and drove off. After the second aircraft’s shipping containers were offloaded, we noticed movement on the ground. Prisoners were being loaded from the empty trucks into the ship’s cargo hold. Then a well intentioned and very forgivable agent may have insisted on sneaking aboard said carrier for an unplanned rescue mission.”

I glance over at Heero and offer a sheepish grin. He’s staring at me intently and I almost groan, knowing what comes next. Hopefully the big ‘I-told-you-so’ can wait until after these cuffs come off and I can shove my fingers in my ears.

“Just before the door closed, I snuck in undetected and hid inside an unlocked storage cabinet. We took off soon after and I waited until we were in the air. Figured the last plane would’ve landed by then, so I got out and made my way towards the cockpit. The prisoners were being kept in a locked side compartment. No need for guards there, I guess. Thought I’d get to freeing them after landing. There was only one door from the hold. It was locked. I was just in the process of pickin’ the damn thing when it swung open and a bright white light hit me. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a cell.”

“Light?”

“Yeah… it knocked me right out from what I can tell. There must have been hidden cameras that gave them the jump on me. Found out later that it was some sort of… weapon that causes seizures. Probably something like strobe lights to an epileptic.”

“I’ll look into it.” Trowa offered. “Perhaps there are other instances of such a weapon being used.”

“Yanovich’s got himself a pretty nasty piece of tech.” I frown at the memory.

Wufei jumps up from his chair. “Pyotr Yanovich?”

“Yeah, Fei.” I roll my eyes. “How many we got on the most wanted list?”

“So you were…”

“The newest addition to his secret little prison? You’re lookin’ at him.” Looking around the room, this info seems to surprise my stoic companions a bit more than I thought it would. “I thought you guys woulda figured that out already.”

“Why?”

“Well,” my face scrunches in confusion at Trowa, “how else did ya find me?”

The room goes quiet and I can practically see the wheels turning in their heads. That uneasy feeling in my chest nags at me a little louder. There’s something going on and they’re not tellin’ me.

“What?”

Heero stares me square in the eyes and a warm feeling traces down my spine. The guy is fuckin’ intense. Catches my breath a little bit. “We didn’t rescue you.”

“Huh?”

“Continue your debriefing, Maxwell.” Fei reclaims his seat.

“As you wish, Lord Fei-Fei-kins.” I ground out, getting somewhat pissy at all the demands. “Anything for you, buddy.”

“Hn.”

Fuckin’ articulate, all of them.

“Anyways, I woke up. Met my cellmate. Real great guy, loved sitting next to toilets and creeping people out. An evil doctor walks in with some guards, I rough them up a bit until they use that light weapon again. Cheaters. Managed not to have a full-blown seizure, but it fucked me up pretty good. Uh… might’ve pissed myself, but that’s okay ‘cause they stripped me down and injected me with some heavy-duty mussel relaxer. Then they had me watch a mouse crawl its way down the other prisoner’s throat and tear him up from the inside out ‘cause I wouldn’t give ‘em my name.”

“Doctor Blondie apparently specializes in torture and works for Yanovich, who he says is a real great guy. He spoke in Russian I think. Never got his name.” I take a deep breath and continue talking as fast as I can. “They left me with the body, just like OZ, and didn’t come back for hours. Fuckin’ amateurs. Next time, they come back with my Preventer personnel file - the actual one, not a copy. It even had all the - corrections - I made and a coffee stain on the front.”

“I’ll contact Une.” Trowa stands and leaves.

“How were they able to obtain your file so quickly?” Heero asks, throwing me for a loop.

I didn’t think of that. Obvious answer is they must’ve had it already, but why? How? I shake my head.

“Dunno. Just know they had it. Started rattling off everything about me I didn’t bother cuttin’ out. If it was a fake, it was a pretty damn good one.”

“Hn.”

“I don’t remember anything after that, really… until standing in Une’s office holding some guy up by the hair. Then I passed out and woke up to Fei trying to steal a kiss.”

“Maxwell, I was not…”

I smirk.

“Wufei.” Heero reigns in our Chinese friend.

“So,” I shake my bonds, “a deal’s a deal.”

“You don’t remember anything else?”

“…no.”

“Then they stay.”

“You said-” Yuy, you fuckin’ lying son-of-a-bitch! “Funny, Ro. If you don’t get these offa me now, I’ma show ya somethin’ _real_ hysterical!”

He stands up, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a scrap of paper.

“What’s that?”

“You left it on Une’s desk with a data chip.” He holds it up in front of my face. “That’s your handwriting.”

_Foothold - agency wide._

_Duo Maxwell compromised._

_Shinigami, out._

“The fucktardation is that?!” My handwriting. That’s my goddamn handwriting, only more… more pointy lookin’! “That’s… I…”

“You were missing for fifty-four days.”

“ _No_.” That’s… wrong. Gotta be, but… I can’t remember. Why would I write that? I was in prison and now I’m not. The guys didn’t break me out. There’s nothin’ between. Just… the sound of water - dripping. Unfamiliar faces. Pain…

“What happened to me, Ro?” My voice is a strangled whisper.

“We’ll find out.” He folds the paper back up and tucks it into his pocket, avoiding the questioning stare I’ve pinned on him. 

It isn’t until this moment that I realize just how fucked things are. Unshakable Heero Yuy - the undefeated savior of the universe - can’t face me. I do the only sensible thing a person in my situation can do - laugh my fucking face off until I can’t breathe.

“Duo?”

“Sorry,” I gasp for air, “I promised you hysterical, but damn, this isn’t what I had in mind.” My eyes shut tight; I keep a thin-lipped smile in place. Fifty-two days I can’t remember and a note in my own handwriting telling everyone not to trust me… yeah, you don’t get much more compromised than that.

“Maxwell,” Fei crosses his arms and cocks his head to stare me down, “we require your assistance.”


	5. Chapter 5

‘Now, ain’t life a peach, kid?!’ That old beach bum Howie’d say, ‘You never know what it’ll hand ya next.’ 

Lord Chang’s asking me for help, huh?

_Searching._

_Searching.._

_Searching…_

_Error! The criteria you entered yielded zip, zero, nada results._

_You’re on your own, buddy. (Ya poor stupid bastard…) But thanks for choosing Shinigami Search for your brain-wide informational, inquiry-al needs! We know you’ve got soooo many other options to pick from…_

Mother fu- Thanks for nothin’, imagination! Remind me to add ya to the list of all things that can get bent by Catalonia, the Quat stabbing bitch!

_Images flash through my head and my gut clenches. I’m not sure what they mean - faces, grasping hands, and blood everywhere. My heart’s pounding in my ears and the world’s going narrow._

Heero tugs on my braid, startling me outta my panic. His hand slides down its length, freeing it from the bandages wound around my head, and drapes it over my shoulder onto my chest. I look at him and slowly the ghosts fade. A sigh escapes. For the first time since I’ve woken up here in fun land, a little of the tension is gone. 

“Thanks, man.” I smile.

He clears his throat and looks away. Weird. That was… very un-Yuy-like of Yuy... Maybe he’s got a cold? I study him, unsure of what I’m seein’.

“Focus,” he snaps.

Focus? Ah. Right. Wufei... I swallow hard and grin. “So what’s it, Fei? Finally decide to take me up on the free bike ridin’ lessons we talked about, or something?”

“Take this seriously, Maxwell! A man is d-”

“He will.” Heero cuts him off mid lecture; placing a firm hand on his shoulder and staring me dead in the eyes. He does that a lot, the thing with the eyes and the staring at me. It’s usually the first sign that I’m in deep shit. I look from Wufei and then to Heero, both waiting on me to answer. Hell, ‘Ro. When you put it like _that_ …

“No.” My mouth forms a thin, tight line as I glare at Pimpsy and Bottom Wu.

“Explain.”

Shrugging, a small twinge of pain stabs at my left shoulder. “I joined the monosyllables club. It’s five credits every time I go over one consecutive syllable at a time. At this rate, I’ll hafta start trading in my jello.” 

Wu-bear releases a string of Chinese curses that have something to do with the psychologist that cleared me for active duty. “Maxwell, ‘yes’ is also a single syllable in length!” 

“Oh?” Pausing for full effect, I then continue with a smirk. “Favorable answers are gonna cost ya extra.” I wink and laugh, feeling the numb tingle of healing injuries being pulled along my torso.

“You are a child!”

“Nope. But thanks for playin’ with me anyway. I’m feelin’ much better.” My wrapped fingers scratch at the bandages of my left hip. “See, itchin’ means the wounds are stitchin’.” G always said. Not exactly like that, but… I frown; starting to notice things. That creeping feeling all over me... “L-Look, we’re not gonna get anywhere like this. How ‘bout a little… quid pro quo?”

I earn myself an amused sound from Heero. They’re both wearing blue Preventers’ suits, but he wears it better than the rest of us do. My restraints clack when I go to scratch my head and forget they’re there.

“This is not a negotiation.” My Chinese partner reminds me. “You’ll cooperate or-”

“OZ couldn’t make me cooperate!” That ticks me off. I sit up, even though the pain’s starting in on me, and glare right back at him. “You gonna interrogate me, then? Think you can break me, Wu-bear?”

While I’m pretty sure Chang wouldn’t hit a guy in restraints, the scowl he’s slapping me with is enough to raise my hackles. They both button up for a while, probably figuring out how to accomplish their mission to make me talk. Let ‘em spin their wheels! Ever since I woke up, my partners have been jerkin’ me around; avoiding me, not telling me stuff. For gods’ sakes, I haven’t seen a single centimeter of my body yet except my hair; not unless you count my nose when I go cross-eyed! Everything’s wrapped in itchy gauze and plasters like one of those mummy things Abdul told us about.

Yeah, if they really want my help that bad, it won’t come cheap. I breathe in the sterilized air, noting that something vaguely smells like shit, and really hope it ain’t me. All I’ve had nutrient wise has come from the IV, so I don’t think so. The nurse walking past the open door to my room with a bed pan and wet wipes is reassuring. At least I’m doin’ better than whatever guy she’s visiting over…

_There was the scraping sound of metal. Some guy cried all night in pain. He’s the one that just watched._

A shiver travels through me for the forgotten memory. Fists clench. Got to be the similar situation bringin’ it up. I could definitely do without any more of those, wherever they came from! Just forget it, man. Breathe in. Breathe out. No sense livin’ in the past, right?

“So,” I break up their quiet strategizing, “why all the bandages, and why’ve ya kept me drugged up to my eyeballs? I’m startin’ to think we’re-”

That’s when I notice him standing in the doorway - _holding... holding nails. His white lab coat’s covered in blood. He wants something I won’t… never…_

“Fuck!” I try to scramble away, but get nowhere.

“Duo?!” The doctor from my nightmares mouths, but it’s not his voice. No, it’s too much like…

“Q-Quatre?”

I blink slowly and remember to suck air. His face is contorted in concern for me and he’s grabbing his chest; that Space Heart he keeps talkin’ about I guess. Heero and Wufei are tense beside me, looking between us. I try to squash the fear. It was just a hallucination. It’s not real. Just gotta talk to someone ‘bout dialing down the meds. They’re messing with my head. Yeah, the meds…

“What’s wrong?” Quatre zeros in, clutching what I recognize is the laptop he gave me so I wouldn’t do anything as suicidal as play with Heero’s. Tro follows him in, acting as his shadow again.

“Oh h-hey, Quat, what’s shakin’?” Smooth. Hnnn… “Hi Tro! Must be a slow day at the office if you’re all here? What, the bad guys take a holiday?”

I force a laugh. Please don’t ask! Please, please, pretty please don’t… 

“Something’s hurting you.”

Sigh. Why do I bother? Once a stubborn, meddling multibillionaire…

“I’m fine now, Q-man. They’ve got me on _a lot_ of drugs.”

“But Duo-”

“Stop worrying so much. You’ll get wrinkles and then 03 will have to kick my ass.”

He’s cute when he blushes. Tro looks like he wants to tear me a new one just for teasin’ him. It’s so damn obvious, but who am I to say anything? 

Heero takes the laptop from him and pulls the tray table over my legs to rest it on top. There’s a data chip stickin’ out slightly from the port. They need my help with the encryption? Or maybe it’s info on Yanovich.

“Well…” I tug at my restraints expectantly.

The computer wakes up and Heero enters my password. 

“What the hell, ‘Ro?!”

“Security measures.”

“How long’ve you had my goddamn password?!”

He shrugs. 

_That sneaky fucking bastard…_ I spent three months makin’ the thing Heero proof and… and he just… I close my eyes and let my head fall back with a muffled thud against the pillow. “Yanno, if you wanted access to my porn collection, ya coulda just asked.”

“I had to find you first.” His voice is even and when I open my eyes, there’s nothin’ showing of the concern put into those words.

“Guess it’s hard to ask someone who’s not there.” I frown, looking back to the screen in front of me. “What the-”

“We have been unable to circumvent the data chip’s security measures.” He glares at me like it’s my fault. “Even if you are compromised-” 

After reeling in my eyebrows from geosynchronous orbit, I begin to mumble the words displayed on the screen aloud, “ _What is the key in my hands?_ ” Huh. I look up at Heero and we kinda exchange shrugs - okay, I shrug with my good shoulder and he blinks once, but it’s the same thing really. “Yuy, if I thought you’d appreciate the irony of asking me ‘bout a key while ya got me cuffed to the bed, I’d think this was a joke.”

Wufei huffs impatiently. “We are not releasing you, Maxwell, so answer the damn question already.”

“Geeze, ‘Fei. The older you get, the more impatient you are.”

“The _key_ …”

“Yeah, yeah…” I roll my eyes before refocusing on the task. 

Where to start? Do I have a key in my hands? No. So much for the obvious. Could be metaphorical. Uh… a key? Key, key, keeeeeeyyyy… Key people? Key places? That just means important, and I don’t have my hands on any of ‘em. I snort. Places, though? L2. 8th and Meadows. The dumpster behind McWalter’s place. Maxwell church…

I wouldn’t! 

_Sister Helen clutched in my arms. So much blood! The fire…_

“Duo?”

“Just thinkin’, Quat.” I swallow a lump in my throat. It wouldn’t be Sister. Or Solo, either. Both of them died like that. And all I could… I just, held them ‘til… 

“Death.” I whisper. “Try ‘death’, Fei.”

What else for Shinigami?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my long absence! First my computer broke and I couldn't replace it for months. Then I got very busy working a job I hate and get paid like shit for. So basically, I'm poor and busy. Also, I'm depressed as fuck. Which is why this chapter earns the angst label all by itself, I think. But I hope it lives up to your expectations. I will try to update when I can, as I really do want to continue all my stories on AO3. Thank you for the kudos, reviews, and general encouragement. I love this fandom!

My eyes shift away; the only comfortable distraction is lookin’ out the window.  Hn.  Fluffy clouds today?  Maybe it’ll snow.  I hear Wufei lean over, type in the word, and hit ‘Enter’.  A loud buzzer sounds, drawing my attention away from the white stuff beyond the thick window pane.  

“Wrong, huh?”  I study the red letter x beneath the blank answer field.  Hell, either I’m not as much of a bastard as I thought or someone else put this fun little program together.  “Didya try the chip on any other computer first, before mine?”

“Yes.”

“…and?”

“It didn’t work.”

I eye my laptop and can’t stop the grin breaking out on my face at what I find.  “Yep, this was probably, definitely me.”

“How can you be certain?”  Wufei does the sideways glance thing.

Forgetting what a bad idea it was the last time, I shrug with my bad shoulder.  The resulting agony advises me to stop being a smug asshole and get on with it.  Heero’s observant little snort seems to think so, too.

“Duo?”  My billionaire buddy worries, touchin’ his hand to my arm reflexively.

My lips press tightly shut as I try to find a smile through the pain.  “Feels like I’ve been shot.”

“You were.”  Heero puts in.

“S’plains it.”  I grumble.  “Left shoulder?”

“Clavicle.”

“Great.”  Teeth grit, I take a couple slow breaths and try to relax.

Tro comes around and examines the screen.  “Maybe it’s case sensitive?”

Yeah, right.  Maybe I threw in some extra spaces and… “shit!”

“What?”

“Tro, hit the spacebar once and press enter, will ya?”

He nods.

_My own personal space bar._  The punchline of the worst Sweeper joke ever.  Well if this is a sign of things to come…  I roll my eyes.  The screen is sliced in half by what looks like my old thermal scythe as soon as the answer’s submitted.  Offhand, I mutter somethin’ about it being fancy as hell, earnin’ me a smile from Tro.  The black halves drift away from one another at the split, revealing the word ‘Congratulations’ in green and comically small grim reapers dancing ‘round it.  

“If we had any doubts before…”  Wu supplies helpfully.

Heero snorts.

“Yeah, yeah…”  I can’t keep from smirking, too.  It feels good.  Normal.  ‘Til now, I hadn’t realized how much I missed that in the past couple days.  Quat has my left hand in his before I can dismiss the feeling.  Empaths…  I sigh and squeeze his hand back, but can’t look him in the eye.

Beside him, Tro clicks on the ‘Congratulations’ and a large data file starts downloading to my desktop.  

_'Prevy Traitors.pdf'_   The title’s got us all wide-eyed and slackjawed.  I look around and close my mouth awkwardly.  Metaphorically speaking.

“It’s true?  There really is-”  Our favorite multi-billionaire gasps.  “And these are…”

“Looks like it.”  A foothold situation.  Fun.  Thirty seconds or so later, the file auto opens to an alphabetical list of fuckers that sold out peace for money, power, and protection.  “This… there’s gotta be almost 200 agents an’ staff?!”

“ _He’s on there..._ ”  Quat drops to his knees, still clutching my hand.  “Oh, thank Allah!”

Okay…  Not a reaction I expected.  Who is-

“I’m sorry.”  He looks up at me, eyes watery.  “They were worried you...  We’d looked everywhere, Duo.  When you showed up at headquarters-”

“Huh?”

“Quatre.”  Heero snaps.

“Enough, Winner.”

“No!”  The blond pops up from the ground.  Like a toaster pastry, my empty stomach adds.  “He deserves to know.”

Placing a gentle but firm hand on his numero uno’s shoulder, Trowa soothes, “it’s not our call.”

“Then whose is it?!”  I yell, fed up and fucked up.  “‘Cause I really wanna know who ta thank for the warm welcome back!”

“Une.”

I chuckle darkly.  “Shoulda known.  What’d I do now - piss in her coffee?”

“Killed her secretary.”  Wufei and Heero share a look.

My mouth opens and closes a few times, stuck somewhere between the witty jibe I’d had queued up and-

“I killed Davie?!”  Their expressions confirm it.  

The tears spill over onto Quat’s pale cheeks.  “Yes.  But Duo, he’s on the list.”

What the actual fuck?  “I couldn’ta killed ‘im.  I’d remember…?”

“You did not appear to be yourself.”  Wufei’s got a deep frown set on his face.

“Shinigami.”  Heero’s voice rumbles like thunder and a steely quality glints in his quick glance at me.  I remember Une’s office and what I don’t want to recognize as fear in those blue eyes while he tries to talk me down.  All that blood.  It hadn’t been quick…  I’d killed Davie?  More like I’d used him as a crayon.

“C’mon, guys.”  My voice’s a little shaky.  “I’m not…   _Shinigami_ ain’t really real, ya know.  Just a nickname I picked up.”

No one says anything to distract me from the beeping monitors or the hell I don’t want to recall.  I feel like throwin’ up again, but that’d be pretty pointless.  Nothin’ but stomach bile.  It’d just make my throat burn worse.

“Evidence.”  Wufei points out the documentation of payoffs and other fun stuff scrolling by now.  He pulls out a data chip and inserts it into a free port.  “We must act on this now, Yuy.”

“Hn.”

Davie’s a traitor.  Why doesn’t that make me feel any better?  Oh, right.  I think of that picture on his desk of Lacy and Sam.  I killed someone’s father.  Again.  They had everything, and I took it.  He took it.  We both fucked it up, and now…

_The church is burning again._

“No!”  I shriek and thrash.  The tears are coming.  “Let me go!”

“Duo!”  Quatre moans and holds tighter.  He’s cryin’.  I’m cryin’.  

“Goddamn it!  Lemme go!”

“Duo, stop!”  Tro braces my shoulders.  “You’re going to-”

“Don’t!”  The shadows are here again.  “I…”  

_A windowless room.  Bloody fingernails in a metal bowl.  The child with long black hair sleeping in my arms.  Eyes and teeth and hands...  so many.  Oh god._

“Quatre!”  The hands on my shoulders are gone.

A whimper in my throat.  The light peeks through.  Laptop’s gone.  Tro’s back as he walks away, carryin’ kitty Quat.  Fingers on my chin.  I follow their pull.

“Duo?”  Heero looks into me.  “What did they do to you?”

What’d they do?  What’d I do?  

_I taste their blood.  Feel their necks snapping in my hands.  It’s... alright now._

“Gave me a reason, Ro.”  I smile.  When my eyes open again, it’s there.  The fear in the perfect soldier.  “ _Beautiful_.”

His hand retreats.  Our gazes wander to Sally, injecting somethin’ into my IV bag.  Damn doctors.  Always wan’ me asleep for?  The sleepin’ girl...

“Ro?”  Fighting to stay conscious, I wimper.  “Ro?!”

“Sleep,” his voice commands.  My bangs are brushed aside gently.

“Ro…”  The tears start up again.  “I-”

The palm of his hand rests heavily on my chest.

“I-I think I killed a kid.”  My sobbing echoes loudly.  “She’s gone.”

His fist clenches my gown.

Exhausted, I surrender to the darkness.  

Boys do cry.  The tears leave us trails to our nightmares.  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ironically, I broke my collarbone 5 days after my last post. Didn't intended to be so method about this story, lol. But I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's a long one. Thanks for reading & reviewing! It really brightens my day.

_Two steps up to the church doors.  It’s a warm day.  Smells like baked bread and dryin’ laundry.  My fingers reach out to feel the rough metal handle lick at the tips._

_I’m home._

“Maxwell?”  

“Hm?!  I’m awake.” I yawn and open bleary eyes to bright daylight.  Hm… ‘rugged, huh?  Dry throat, too.  “S’matter, Fei?”

He takes his sweet time figuring out somethin’ to say.  Listening to the beeping noise, my lids droop and brain idles.  _Close pins and sunshine._

“What do you remember?”

"Huh?"  I sneeze and wince at the stabbing pain.  Injured?  Guess I gotta be.  I try to wipe my face awkwardly against my good shoulder, but it doesn’t work.

“‘Member?”  I blink and take in my surroundings.  Dammit, the hospital.  Fantastic.  “You first.”  

He huffs and drops my laptop on a tray in front of me.  

“Hey, that’s _mine_.”  Why’s Chang handling my baby?!  I reach for it reflexively.  Restraints?!  It's gonna be that kinda day.  I sigh, cough, and sniffle.

A look of disgust is flashed my way.  I've got a runny nose.  Deal with it, Fei.

_Blood on my hands.  Heero’s panicked expression.  A little girl with black hair smilin’ up at me._

“Shit!  O-Okay Wu,” I groan.  Please don't be a dick about this.  “I’m just gonna lay my cards on the table.”

“Lay them.”

“Well... I’m tryin’ to remember how I got here, and the last thing I 'member is feeding a giant lizard chocolate in the rain.” 

"Cambodia?"  Guy’s a junk dog with a tire.  

"Where else?  So, be a pal and fill me in.”  I shift a little and cringe.  He better not skip the part about my laptop.  That’s not my lockscreen either!  Four guesses who cracked my password.  “Where’s Heero?!”

“Mission.”

“Right.”  Course he is.  I frown and squint at the program Fei’s running.  “Preventer yearbook?”

“A list of spies working for Pyotr Yanovich.”

“W-Wha…” was that?!  How the hell’d he get his hands on…  on…  

_Red light flickering.  Dead bodies slumped over each other in piles._

“Fei?”  It feels so real.  “This deja _fu_ I’m feelin’...”  

“Desist, Maxwell!”  He pinches my cheek, hard.  

“Aaaww’wuvveeeeeiii…”

“Do not attempt to remember!  This is the most coherent you have been in two days and unfortunately I require you for this mission.”  He tugs once for emphasis then lets go.  Gotta talk to Sally ‘bout his bedside manners.

I laugh at his miffed expression.  “Dickhead.”  

“Báichī.”  Wu turns back to my machine.  “It’s deja _vu_ , Maxwell.”  The list of names is gone, replaced by a black screen with the word ‘Continue’ in a yellowish green.  Interesting.  "Your English is bad enough without destroying other languages."

“Nah, it's deja _fu_ an' ya ain't seen nothin' yet.” 

"Focus."  He doesn't take the bait.  “This is your doing, Maxwell.”

“Me?  How's it my-”  Cargo ships.  Something 'bout a mission.  “Right.  Shit’s ongoing.  Clock’s ticking.  I get it now.  Whatcha need, Fei-bae?”

"Insufferable fool."  He fingers my mouse pad over the word and taps to continue.  Wouldn’t it be funny if that documentary on snow leopards just starts up?  Every school we hid out in played the same movie about ‘em.  Fell asleep every time.  Couldn’t tell ya how it ends, but Yuy still quotes the damn thing sometimes.

“Damn snow leopards…”  

He startles and turns towards me.  “What is their relevance?”  

“Ya know…  The smarter penguin the skinnier the snow leopard?”

Wufei’s eyebrows knit together.  “Do snow leopards hold significance on L2?”

“Not really.  Just some old OZ propaganda.”  Normally I’d find his confusion pretty hysterical, but the whole thing really does bum me out.  “Look, don’t sweat it.  Doesn't matter anymore.”

“Then what is the meaning of this riddle?”

“Huh?”  I look where he's pointing at my laptop.  New white text is scrawled like handwriting on the blank black screen.  

And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.

Hearing those kinda words after so long gives me goosebumps.  I shiver, colder somehow.  They read like an old nightmare.

“Revelations.  Pretty sure.”

He considers me at length.  “A book from your holy scripture?”

“Not mine.”  I can’t keep the pain outta my voice.  An empty text box appears.  It’s waitin’ on an answer, I guess.

_There’s a stain on the wooden table covered in rotting food.  Wires everywhere.  Some kid’s crying._

Shit, where’s this all coming from?!

“How should we respond?”

“Dunno.  Gimme a minute.”  I try to remember what part of the book it’s from.  “Take these off, already!  I need a bible.”

“Your left clavicle is broken.  You should refrain from using that arm for now.”  He tells me before reaching over to undo the cuffs.  I watch him take ‘em off, thrown for a loop.  Didn't think he would.

I reach for the tray and my good arm trembles, but it lands successfully on my laptop keyboard.  After a minute or two, the wifi’s connected and I’m perusing the good book for bad memories.  Go figure. 

_Space bar._

If the pattern holds same as the first question that was a bad joke I thought was death, then the second’s quote about death’s going to be a real groaner.  So I really was workin’ on this before.  

“Here it is.  Revelation 9.6.  Death, dying, more death and dying...”  

“Does the number have significance?”

“Don’t think so.  It’s the last book.  Nine point six miles.  Six point nine degrees.  Ninety six people.  Sixty nine, uh.”  I glance at Fei, feeling my ears pink.  “No, don’t think there’s anything to that.”

“What of it’s position in the text?  Read the surrounding passages.”

“As you wish.”  I silently read the whole chapter.  An uneasiness creeps deeper inside my bones the further I get.  It’s all too familiar.  Gotta love metaphors and taking things outta context.  Damn.  “I dunno, it could be a lot of things.”

“What is the religious significance?  Do they hold alternate meanings?  Figure it out, Maxwell!”

"Hold on a sec, pointy brows!"  Wish Heero was here to muzzle him.  "Look, Fei.  I never really believed in this stuff, so excuse me..."  I couldn’t if I tried.  Not like-  Their names get caught in my throat.  “I’ll have to think about it.”

He’s quiet for a while to let me cool off.  I’d appreciate it more if he left.  What the hell's going on?!  I remember enough now to know I’ve been in the hospital for about a week.  My fingers lightly trace over my body, taking inventory.  Broken collarbone, they said - the left one.  Healing cuts all over.  Stinging fingertips.  I unwrap the bandages on my left hand.

“Maxwell,” Wufei begins to scold me.

“Relax,” I snap.  “Just wanna see.”

The gauze falls away, revealing cuts and gashes in various states of healing.  And as I’d expected, my fingernails were pulled out and just starting to grow back a little.  Guess masturbating's gonna be awkward for a while.  Heh.  I spot a torn through and through stitched up in the middle of my palm.  

“No fucking way!”  My sudden outburst startles Wu-bear to his feet.  I quickly undo the bandaging on my right hand and find the same things.  “What kinda antiquated bastard’s into crucifixion?”

_Pulling and a pressure building in my head.  Blood running up my legs.  Square iron nails a half inch wide._

“I assume the same bastard responsible for your other injuries.”  Trowa strolls in, looking a bit tired.  “You released him then?”

_Crucifixion.  My braid spilled over the floor.  Upside down, but..._

“Agent Po expressed concern regarding his confinement.”  Wufei provides a stilted answer.  “His supervised release was recommended to prevent further physical deterioration.”

“I see.”  He smirks.  

My fingers slowly travel back up my chest.  How’d I miss it before?  Under the hospital gown, beneath the bandages on my neck, it’s not there.  

“No!”

“What's wrong?”

Did I have it on me before?  I’d snuck on the ship with it.  Oh god, I snuck on the ship with it!  It's gone.  The loss kicks me hard.  I made it through a war or two, capture and everything.  But…

“You see my cross anywhere, Tro?”  The words barely squeeze out.

He doesn’t say anything.

“Yeah.”  I whimper.  “Didn’t think so.”

“We’ll look for it.”  A hand lightly rests on my shoulder.

Won't find it.  Hidden behind the cover of my bangs, I look away.  Outside the snow’s falling, melting soon as it hits the ground.

“Sucks.”

Tro puts his hand on top of my head like I’m a little kid.  “I’ll sit with him.  The director is looking for you, Wufei.”

_Blood on my hands and a body at my feet.  Heero’s eyes.  Drifting._

Several awkward pauses later, Fei leaves without a word.  I breathe slowly, trying to keep control.  He walks around to my right side and sits behind me.

“I’m not Quatre, but-”

My head falls back onto his shoulder.  Carefully, Tro unravels the bandages around my head.

He brushes down the frizz.  “Better?”

I make a small noise.  We stay like that a while, me fighting the good fight.  

“You have family, Tro?”

“Probably.”  He shifts to support my weight better.  “Do you?”

“Never lasted.”

Quat’s favorite clown pets my hair.  “Get some sleep, Duo.”

“Reminds me of the Carver case.”

“You plan to throw up on me again?”  He chuckles.

“Can’t promise nothin’.”

“Sleep.”

“Yeah.”  Yawning, I close my eyes.  Snow's gone but the cold’s still there.  

_Grubby little man huddled next to a toilet.  Sink full of blood and bile.  Shaking._

Maybe sometimes I wish I had a place like home again, but there’s no going back.  Much as I wish I could…

Oh.

“It's suicide,” I mutter.  

“Suicide?”

“The answer.”  I reach forward and carefully type it in.  "Whatever this is, ain't gonna be pretty."

"Because the first one was?"  Snarks Tro.

"Yeah, well..."

A video file labeled 'Day 15' appears after the screen is slashed by a thermal scythe animation.  Heh, fancy.  I blink.  Feel like I said that before already.

"Play it?"

I double click it.  "Sure, why the hell not..."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this fic seems to be progressing slowly with set-up. This chapter is angst and a glimpse of what is to come. Promise I'll get to the romance part, but I'm big on context and I like some mystery. I'll try for some fluff next chapter. Hope you guys are enjoying.

What looks like security cam footage starts up and a healthy slice of my deja fu takes form in front of our eyes.

“That’s her!”

_“You understand the responsibility of this failure falls to you?”  The female doctor sat in a backless swivel chair, making notations.  The wrinkles and grey hair could have fooled anyone into thinking she was a kind old granny.  Hell, she looked plenty like so many of the ones I’d seen farting around L2, sitting in front of rundown shops selling handmade trinkets._

_The young, raven-haired girl standing in the middle of the sterile room made no acknowledgement.  Her features were distinctly Asian beneath the bruises and marks on her otherwise pretty face._

_“Bring him in, then.”  She sighed._

_My former self was dragged in, naked and hair unbound, by two big guards and dumped on the ground beside the old bag.  There was a small trail of blood left from a reopened wound on my right foot._

_“Eliminate her.”_

“I won’t do it.”  I hope.  Because if I could…  “I couldn’t!”  

Fei walks in and shuts the heavy door behind him.  

“Why are you shouting, Maxwell?!” He hisses, obviously put into a bad mood from talkin’ to Une.  “This is a hospital-”

“Wufei.”  Tro quiets him with a look.

_Kneeling, I said nothing.  The woman turned and grabbed my unbound hair, using it to forcefully yank my head back.  There was bruising on my face as well as a split bottom lip.  I’d been worked over good, judging by the rest of the wounds I could make out on my arms and chest._

“The riddle has been solved?”  Wufei rushes to stand at my left.

“Quiet!”  I snap; eyes glued to the screen.  My heart’s thumping.  The feeling called 'dread' knots thick in my stomach.

_“Such disobedience when we ask so little of you.”  She sighed and released her hold.  “It’s such a pity to destroy this specimen without further study.  Perhaps before we terminate her, a visit to E block can be arranged.”_

_I scrambled to my feet._

“What is this?!”  Wufei gasps.

_“No?”  The woman handed me a gun loaded with one bullet.  Wouldn’t have mattered if it had a hundred._

_My trembling hand snatched it away, already grief-stricken._

Oh god, don’t do it, man!  I chant the prayer over and over in my head, it’s sound getting louder in my ears.

_He stumbled forward, leaving a bloody partial with each step.  The girl stood there, only the tiniest shred of emotion showing through her blank expression.  Only pity for me._

“Don’t do it!”  I grab the fucking laptop to throw it across the room before they stop me.  “No!  He can’t!”

“Don’t.”

“Maxwell!”

The computer’s wrestled from my hands and lands with a clatter back on the tray.  It skips a little forward.  Not enough.

_My raised arm stopped shaking.  The gun’s aim carefully calculated._

_Make it painless._

“No!”  I howl.

_The trigger pulled.  A perfect shot.  She wilted like a flower before our eyes._

“No…”  Tears leak down my face as Tro holds me tight.

_Without any further use, the gun slipped through my fingers.  I staggered forward and gathered her warm body in my arms.  Warmth meant life.  If it seeped into me, she couldn’t die.  Not really._

_I didn’t look at the hole I’d drilled into her between the eyes.  I cradled her head against my shoulder, cursing this life that took everything it gave._

_The doctor shakes her head in disappointment._

_“Your humanity is an obstacle to a much greater design.”_

“What was the child’s name?!  Tell me!”  Wufei grabs my arms the moment the video ends.  “What was her name?!”

“I don’t know!”

“Stop, Wufei!”  Trowa shoves him and receives a palm strike to the chin for his trouble.  The acrobat tumbles backwards off my bed.

“Fei?”  I cry, horrified.  “I don’t know her name.”

He looks more haunted than I’ve ever seen.  None of the cases before got him anything but pissed.  This time though, I’d killed a kid.

“Gimme a gun, Fei.”  

“What?”  His grip slackens.

“A gun.”  I plead, knowing with all his justice and honor he’d understand.  “Just do it!”

“Don’t.”  Tro pulls himself up and glares; silently daring Wufei to try that again.

The door suddenly swings open, admitting Heero and Quatre, whose hand’s clenched painfully around his arm.

“What is going on here?”  Our fearless leader growls, mostly at Fei.

I duck my face behind Wufei’s torso.

“Maybe this will explain.”  Trowa angles the laptop to show the new file we won.

I wearily scan the title.

_Albatross_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, favoriting, and reviewing. It really cheers me up! Duo's going through a lot, so his POV will sometimes be confusing. I attempt to use language very deliberately, for reasons that may not yet be obvious. Things will become clearer as the story progresses. I hope you are all enjoying this, even with all the angst. For now, just some hints of the relationships that are developing/will develop. It's a long journey, but thank you for taking it with me.

There was only two choices when I was a kid; fight or flight.  Had to learn how to pick battles.  Got beat into the pavement enough times to emphasize the point.  I spent most of the time after runnin’ and hiding to protect what little I had - my life, and then the gang that took me in.  Givin’ up never entered the equation, not even when they - when Solo breathed his last breath into me.  Gave me a name.

“Duo, are you okay?”  Quatre brushes past Wufei and carefully pets my head, tryin’ to calm me.

There was only the fight left, after the plague took ‘em all.  That’s what I made of the pain.  So when I got taken in, I’d been determined to raise hell.  Fought ‘em every step.  Man, was I a little shit.  But Sister Helen…

“Maxwell, what-”

“That’s enough, Chang.”  Heero bites out, ignoring everyone, and turns the laptop so only he can see.  His sense of self preservation on holiday, Wufei moves in to look over his shoulder at the screen.

“It’s going to be okay, Duo.”  Quatre soothes.

I lean on him.  Tro’s a silent presence on my right.  I feel like I could crumble.

_Right between the eyes.  And so many faces.  Wires and non-stop fighting.  How many days have I been here?  When will they come?_

Fuck, thinkin’ back I coulda done it after the second time.  Even though the streets had made me, Sister Helen and Father Maxwell cared.  An’ when they bought it, I wasn’t sure what to do.  That’s the first time I’d thought maybe things woulda been better if I’d never fallen outta my mo-

“No, Duo.”  Quatre wraps me in his arms tight.  “It wouldn’t.”

My eyes widen.  I didn’t know he could-

“You can read my thoughts?”

“Only when you speak them out loud.”

“Oh.”

“Albatross appears to refer to a weapon’s program.”  Heero pauses workin’ on whatever he’s doing on his laptop.  Hate the stupid thing.  

Doesn’t, didn’t matter anyway.  

I’d survived again.  Instinct kicked in and I ran.  Found shelter.  Eventually found my way to the sweepers and Operation Meteor.

Maybe I’ve been lookin’ for a suicide mission ever since.

“Duo?”  Quatre pulls away and looks at me.  “He’s slipping away again!  Stay with us.  Everything will be alright, you have to trust us!”

“Everything’s empty, Quatre.  I’m the god of death.  I kill things.”  The room’s getting a little dimmer.  Clouds, maybe.  “There’s nothin’ wrong with that, is there?”

He crushes me to his chest.  Smells like apricots and warm spices.  It’s quiet again.  

“You’re so much more than that.”  He exhales a shaky breath.  His tears are soaking my gown through to the bandages.  It’s uncomfortable.

_“Commence stress test of source material.”  Dr. Blondie instructed._

_“Ja, Doktor Mairanovsky,” copied his brunette assistant._

Please, stop!  No more.  Not again, I don’t wanna see this.

“Get the doctor.  Go!”

A door closes shut.  No more chains.  Don’t put me in there with them!

_“Itak, Zero Two.”  I looked up at him with dead eyes.  “How do you feel?”_

“Stop!”  I scream, cling to Quat, feeling everything all at once.  Too much.  “Why?!”

“Shhh…”  Tro takes over, tryin’ to pull me away.

“Why?!”  I’m on fire.  It’s too hot!  “They’ll make me pilot it again.”

“Pilot what, Duo?”  

My heart’s racing.  Their eyes are on me, but all I care bout’s the feel of a makeshift cockpit and the controls at my fingertips.  Before I’d killed her, there’d been a reason.  Hadn’t there?

_“Initializing weapon guidance system.  Execute test program Beta 27.”  
_

_“Status?”_

_“The subject’s vitals are holding steady.”_

_“Adjust for anemia and trauma to extremities and spinal column.”_

_“Factored in.”_

Sally grabs my face and shines a light into my eyes.

“Focus on the sound of my voice, Duo.”  She preps a needle.

_The setting for Beta 27 was a port city; moderately populated and ideal for a light exercise on urban warfare.  A lightly guarded government building stood just a mile south-southwest of my position._

_New intel popped up at the corner of my screen.  The legislature was in recess, so the structure would be vacant.  Contingency plans would come into effect._

_The handful of leos standing guard attempted to hail me on all channels._

_“Go away.”  I whispered._

_A split second later, they advanced on me.  Didn’t use ammo yet.  Too many civilians._

_“I’m not kidding, you’re all gonna die if you get any closer!”_

_“Surrender yourself.  This is your final warning.  Power down now and step out of your mobile suit, or we will be forced to fire upon you.”_

I shut my eyes.

“He’s calming down.”

“I gave him something to relax.  He shouldn’t move too much.  Even though he’s healing well from surgery, he could still injure himself if he is not careful.”

“Tired.”  Cool air brushes past my parted lips.  My racing heart’s winding down, even though the echoes of battle continue.  Half asleep, I listen - detached.

When I finally open my eyes, Quat’s gone and so’s Tro.  Sally’s fussing over me instead, with Fei quietly holding a corner of the room up with his thinking frown.  Things are clearer again.  Calmer.  It’s whatever Sally gave me, I realize.

There’s movement to my left and Heero’s standing over me all of a sudden.

“What’s up?”  I ask weakly.

“How do you feel?”  He studies my face.

“Better, I guess.”  

He snorts.  “You don’t look any better.”

That gets a laugh outta me.  “Thanks, buddy.  Can always count on you to cheer me up.”

“Hn.”  

Sally butts in to check my blood pressure and take some blood.  The faint memories run through my head, this time without the full emotional impact, although it’s still there.  They made me kill a kid ‘cause she’d failed them somehow.  I was being conditioned, put through my paces for what?  Why’d they do it?!

“They had me testing mobile suit combat scenarios.”

“We know.”  Heero growls.

“You do?”  I squawk.  “How?!”

He turns my laptop to me.

“It’s in your mission report.”

I pull the tray towards me and read.  It takes me a while, but I’m through about half of it before I’ve gotta stop.  There’s a lot of details missing, but from what I wrote it looks like Yanovich was working overtime on world domination.

“The weapons he built…”  I ask, fear burning in my chest.  Another war?  I can’t.  I won’t make it through another one.  “There’s about 16 of them out there, each spec’d together with different combinations of our suits?  How the hell’d they get the designs?”  I haven’t come across the plans yet, so I don’t know what they look like, but it can’t be good news for us.  How do we fight that many new Gundams?

“According to your report, all weapons were either destroyed or deposited in a safe location.”  He doesn’t smile, but when I brave a look at the perfect soldier I feel like he’s patting me on the back.  Proud of me.

The thought barely has time to sink in before I’m bent over the other side of my bed, retching, with tears stinging my eyes.

“Not again.”  Wufei moans, jumping up, but Sally beats him to the punch.

“That’s alright, Duo.”  She pushes the hair out of my face.  “You’ve been through a lot.  It’s better to let yourself feel these things than to block them out.”

After the bile’s out, I dry heave.  Don’t remember when I last ate somethin’ solid.  But it eventually stops, leaving me with just the guilt.

“Can I go home now?”  I croak.

I’m tired of being here.  Sick of feeling.  I look up at Heero, hoping he’ll get it.

“I wanna go home.”

Sally wipes my face with a damp cloth.  “We’ll make the arrangements.  Just rest now and let yourself heal.”

“There’s something really wrong with me, isn’t there?”  

Her shoulders sag as she lets out a sigh.

“I’m not going to bullshit you, Duo.”  She straightens up and grabs my forearm for reassurance.  “The injuries you sustained don't paint a pretty picture of the past two months.  From what I can tell, you’re also suffering from a severe case of PTSD, dissociation, and psychogenic amnesia.  It’s going to be difficult and you could use all the support you can get.”

“Yeah.”  

“He’ll have it.”  The tone in Heero’s voice knocks the wind outta me.  He smirks at my confusion.

“Oh hell.”  I moan.  “Don’t make me the mission, ‘Ro.”

“Too late, Maxwell.”  Wufei stands.  “Commander Une has ordered us to protect you.”

Heero glances at him while I gape at the indignity.

“I can take care of my-”

“Our position is not secure.  We move when Winner and Barton return.”  Fei stares back, unapologetic.  

_A city burned.  Eyes on a plate, lookin’ at odd angles._

“Just- Just take me home, okay?”  My chest flutters.  I clench my bedsheets.  “Damn it!  I don’t wanna see this shit!”

“Flashbacks?”  Sally asks.  “I want you to describe them out loud when they happen.  Talking about them will help.”

I laugh.  “Sure, that’ll be great.”

The mechanisms of the door handle make a loud noise in the quiet room.  Looks like 03 and 04 are back.  I feel bad about how strung out Quat is.

“Since everyone’s here for the fieldtrip,”  I pull the sheet off, “let’s get the fuck out of here.”

As soon as I swing my legs over the side, the forced manic cheer evaporates.  I realize two things simultaneously; there’s a catheter in my dick, and I shouldn’ta moved like that.

“Fu-”  Curling reflexively, I almost tumble headfirst before Heero catches me.  

“Baka.”

He and Sally lay me back down.  It takes a second or two for embarrassment to outweigh the agony, but once it does this ceiling tile becomes so much more interesting than before.  Shit fucking dammit!

“I’ll get Duo ready.”  The doc shoos ‘em out, the amusement thick in her voice.  “Why don’t you four scout the hallway, make sure it’s clear?”

Heero lets go and follows Quat and Trowa out.  Wufei eventually takes the hint, our fearless leader holding the door open for him.  Guess I don’t blame Fei for wanting to look out for Sally.  She makes quick work of taking out my IV first before tackling the larger matter at, er, hand.

_A metal hook supporting long, shackled chains.  The growing puddle at my feet._

“Please hurry.”

“It’ll just be a second.”  She pushes down on my lower abdomen to, you know… and slowly takes it out.

I’m exhausted.  I wanna go home.  Watch TV all day.  Eat ice cream until I puke.  Two months of hell, and now I’m on the run.

Sally hands me some clean purple scrubs.  Quickly I pull them on over the bandages, tired of feeling exposed.  Gown tossed to the side and scrubs in place, she lets the guys back in to help.

Heero rolls a wheelchair in front of me.  Shinigami, what’d I do to deserve this, huh?  Ah, yeah.  I killed a kid.  An’ snitch or not, I killed Sam’s father.  Before that, how many other lives did I take?

I let them sit me down in the wheelchair without a peep.  Trowa grabs my laptop and tucks in under his arm.  Ready to go.

“Alright.”  I pull my braid into my lap.  “Let’s just get outta here.”

 


End file.
